By Chris Lee Reyes

It's a late Saturday evening, and I'm putting together a marketing pitch for my pastor to recruit more youth. Then, it hits me! We should have a church that will comply with everyone's desires, and let them be whoever they want to be.

Yeah! That'll do it! But wait, how I can get that across and still be biblical?

Well, I guess I could always use the conventional sales pitch terms, such as: "Innovative Opportunity," "Diverse Audience," oh! and of course, "Happy Hour,” “Open Bar,” and “Ladies Night," you know, typical church ventures, according to liberalized Christians.

 Then again, I could just show him a statement of faith from the United Church of Christ followers:

"We do not discriminate against couples based on gender, sexual orientation, age...God wants us to be happy, and we should do whatever makes us happy'.'

But then I would read that statement out loud and come to a rapid conclusion, and say to myself: "Wow! These guys are complete lunatics!"

Hey, good call Mother Teresa(s), why don't we just add belly dancers and yoga sessions too; let's just scratch off family picnics and submerge a Hooters swimsuit face-off with a Proverbs 31 women's biblical study while you're at it.

By all means, forget selling cotton candy; we'll just have beef jerky and rum for the kids. Yeah, great spiritual insight you perplexed goons!

But wait, maybe I'm being too harsh on our post-modern Liberal Christian friends; maybe they're on to something. Maybe their un-Christianized doctrine and "Godly-less" teachings have some points. Yeah... that's right... and maybe... just maybe, Nehemiah was an anorexic unicorn!

Are you kidding me?! Is that what we have come to? But, in all fairness let's step into the future, in the year 2000-something. Let's see how this ideal church may look. Let's call our theoretical church: The Saint Lucifer's Reformed Bar and Lounge Christian Church. Where the motto is, "Where you can be you and nobody would give a damn," or something to that effect.

Think about it, it might not be so bad after all. We can have Michael Jackson (and possibly Tito) as the worship leaders, while the Pussycat Dolls sing harmony for "Baby, Jesus Lover of My Soul." And if that doesn't quite get you in the spirit, we'll throw in Ozzy Osbourne for special Celtic hymns.

Surely it will have the best teachers around. Ricky Martin will conduct the men's meetings, teaching us true manhood, while Britney Spears' heart warming insights on purity and abstinence are taught to young girls during "quilting for Jesus" classes sponsored by the American Society of Handicap Lesbians.

And who needs that old fashioned sin talk? Let's make it prosperity gospel 24/7 with the spontaneous "how to make money in 38 days according to the book of Lamentations" messages sneaking in during the holidays, preferably St. Patrick's Day.

Heck, let's throw in some pillow fluffs and emotionally-driven coffee talk too. We'll brand it and make some money while we're at it. Of course we have to maintain some level of integrity, so it has to have a Christian sounding name (you know you don't want to get too crazy now). We'll call it the no-sugar "Jonah" mocha latte.

 And please, let's go green. Ushers could ride eco-friendly scooters around the temple, making sure all the women are wearing their comfy "chonga" clothing and men are looking like Puff Daddy on steroids.

 Yeah sure this is making whole lot of sense isn't it?

Ok let's get serious (I'll try my best, I promise). Now obviously I've been a tad bit sarcastic on the Liberal Christians' ideologies, but, to be honest I'm not that far off. The Liberal Christians, such as the United Church of Christ and others, promote same-sex unions, gay rights, and, most ingenuously, abortion rights for women. They, like secularists in modern society, want to degrade our churches with the relativist ideals and political correctness that make everything equal. As true believers in Christ, we cannot comply with these social-relativist ideals, or conform to multiculturalism in totality.

Yes, we were all created equally under the sun, but I'm sure you can concur, for the most part, that western philosophy is preferable, Islamic fundamentalists' call for Jihad is wicked, the U.S. is still the greatest nation in the world, Jesus Christ is a better role-model for children than Snoop Dog, and ultimately, a morally stable society with firm family institutions would prevail over the injustices of our own human nature.

So let's stand up to these blasphemers at an even keel. If not, your next pastor will be wearing tutus and flossing Chanel sun glasses at in-door church events (sorry couldn't help it) while preaching universalisms.

It's a shame. The state of the church is in complete disarray. How can we continue allowing these moral-phobic Liberal Christians shape public policy and mix-up worldly habits with that of the church? Something has to be done.

Now obviously, I'm not calling Jihad on Liberal Christians, the fact is that we live in the most enviable country in the world with rights such as the freedom to religion and speech at the forefront. However, I'm not asking Christians to just put this topic in their dusty "prayer closets" either.

Let your voice be heard. Make it known to others that these fallacies are not synonymous with righteousness, nor do these leaders represent Jesus' true teachings.

 It's time for a revolution. And if we don't embark in one soon, my theoretical extravaganza (making it more realistic by interchanging the celebs for the Liberal average-Joe Christians with the same moral fibers) might not be as far-fetched as it seems.

 Christians have been well known to water-down the doctrine before, but please, don't let yourself be cast to play a role in this moral genocide. And if you don't want true wisdom, just go watch Oprah and gulp energy drinks till you get diabetes, or do the equivalent: join a Liberal Christian church.